Thursday, December 13, 2007

hormonal ravages + no sleep + no support = very, very grumpy mama

Last night was our third night in a row of very, very little sleep. Molly would fall asleep fine, then wake crying for me less than an hour later, and until the morning alarm, she nursed damn near constantly. She'd fall asleep and I'd latch her off and roll her over and then in 15-30 minutes she'd demand to nurse again. She isn't hitting a deep extended sleep until about 5:30 a.m. The seven o'clock alarm has turned into an 8 o'clock one so I get at least a little rest.

It's so frustrating, but more frustrating is feeling pressure about bitching. A sleepy mama has got to bitch. When I let loose on friends and family, I hear how the baby should be sleeping through the night and she is using me as a pacifier. (I have to contradict here: a pacifier is a substitute for a breast, not the other way around.) Or she's too old to be nursing. I feel like if I complain about her nursing habits, I'm a bad breastfeeding advocate. I have the small local group of crunchy mamas I can whine too, but there's something keeping me from feeling like one of them- none of the active core group there works. None of them have ever made me feel any animosity or condescension or whatever- but I really think that's an internal thing I have. Some hidden class issue is keeping me from really reaching out to these very sweet supportive women.

My plan is to suck it up and vent on our message group. I'm reminding myself that she does this consistently during my period and it'll pass. I'm doing the inner pep talk thing and trying to get on board with the idea that I can be a huge boobie cheerleader (um, both as in "love me some big boobies" and in the sense of supporting greatly) and still want to scream

GET this succubus child off me and let me SLEEP!

So I'm going to go and scream that email a helpmeplease email to my granola brigade and find me some support.


Laura Without Labels said...

I am not a momma, so I don't truly understand your frustration, but I can sympathize.

I can really relate to the whole "class" issue you brought up. A lot of the really crunchy mom's I know are also able to afford not to work. I think if you realize what a great example you are setting for Molly; you are not only a very involved, momma who makes specific parenting choices, you are also showing her that women get up and go to work too and have a life outside of breastfeeding (and pacifying).

daisybones said...

Thanks a ton for that perspective shift:) I do get caught up in feeling like a victim of economic circumstances. It will help to think of working as a choice. We did choose together to keep working part time jobs plus our business. Bu could get a "real" job but we'd have to give up our creative dreams for several years.

It's important that we remember that in the long run this is the best plan for the whole family. When our hard work pays off in a few years, Molly will be old enough to really see us doing our creative work and being successful entrepreneurs- which is an amazing example to show:)

Corrina said...

Oh my. I so remember those days as they were only mere months ago. Hang in there, Mama. If we listen to them now, they'll listen to us later. At least that what's I keep telling myself.... (dozes off from three years of sleep deprivation)