Sunday, March 23, 2008

Easter, the Day of The. Biggest. Meltdown. Ever!

I was one of the pair in charge of planning Ostara (pagan, spring equinox, reason for term "easter") and had a blast. I drew a beautiful, colorful banner with our Persephone chant, baked orange honey muffins from scratch, created Faery chalices with little blessings, and generally poured my little pagan heart into the ceremony. We created a ritual role for the Little One- she was to be in ladybug costume and scatter petals around the circle and lend the wild faery-ish energy native to the toddler aura to our goings-on.

That was the dream I had- Earth mama and her adorable baby-daughter charming her friends and fellow celebrants with her mind-blowing cuteness. REality? Was not so much with the cute, more with the screechy awful toddler rage. We missed the entire ritual, instead watching Beauty and the Beast on the (Thank You Goddess It Works!) VCR in the kids' room at church and doing some Olympic level rocking and soothing.

I was so annoyed- it was My Ritual! I was its author, artist, mother, and I was missing it because my child was misbehaving. After the sitting and swaddling (yes, my 22 month old likes to be swaddled again) and nursing, the effects of all that soothing finally sank into me too. I got my real brain back and realized that I don't believe in the concept of an under-two baby "misbehaving." I felt it go, all the tension melting and I thought of You. You, blog; and You Alexis; and you readers. You, all moms who are learning to let go of parenting pressures. I thought, "I am a perfect wabi sabi mama in this moment. I am here, spending ritual time mothering, giving into the dissolving of plans and expectations, and I am the Goddess here, comforting my freaked out, overwhelmed young, who is my little Teacher."

* * *

I'd planned to go back to the UU Church this morning for our Socinian Communion, bringing Molly, and my Aunt, and my Grandma. Aunt P was sick, so I decided to go alone. (I'm always worried I can't watch over Grandma and the baby together.) Then I thought I'd try to taker with me, and I waffled back and forth, spinning my wheels for a while. I finally told her she would stay with Daddy, and she exploded. She was so angry she couldn't express or cope. She was beet red and shaking and tearing at the air around her. I said, "Molly is real mad at mommy, huh?" I don't know what else to do- I freak out when she is that upset. I almost stayed home. Bu urged me to just go, he promised she'd be OK once I left. (She was, totally.) We talked for a quick minute about how my indecision made her meltdown worse- completely agreeing here.

I drove to church quiet, and reflective. I worried in the back of my mind that my sweetpea was home screaming still, but forced myself to trust that her father could console her. I meditated on being calm but firm when I have to tell her things that I expect to upset her. During prayer/meditation during the service, I asked my GoddessMama to help me find a way to be her gentle guide and help her find her own coping skills. I focused on balancing being a loving, gentle mother but being consistent and learning to say no.

Blessed be on this day of renewal and newness:)

1 comment:

Lexie said...

wow, that is quite the impressive moment of epiphany!!! am loving your wabi-sabi ness!!!!!