Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Wabi-Sabi: our cracks make us beautiful

It is not easy for me to remember that my cracks, the parts of me that are broken, are an integral part of my inner beauty. I have to remind myself of this all the time.

But it is one of my deep truths: I am broken. And in that brokenness, in the mending of the parts of me that have been hurt, have been blown apart, that is where my soul shines through the most.

Take, for example, the process of conceiving my son. Now, I would never in a million years wish infertility (or even the glimmer of it) on anyone. My life was hell for twenty two months, waiting to "fall pregnant." Every time I bled, every time I walked by a pregnant woman, I would hurt. I would feel razor shark pangs that cut me to the depth of my soul. I am broken because of those twenty two months.

But you see, it is not the brokenness that matters, it is the mending. Because during those twenty two long months, I had a chance to discover a lot about my body and how it works. I discovered that I have long menstrual cycles (and that my mother did as well, when she was my age). I discovered that I was still ovulating most of the time and that my body liked hot weather more than cold weather. I found a support system of friends, both online and in real life.

And I mended the broken parts of my soul. Each month, I cried and cried. And then, once again, I processed my sorrow. I journaled extensively. I found my voice on livejournal. It didn't make up for the fact that I wasn't pregnant, but it helped.

And then finally, blessing upon blessing, Remy was conceived and then born. And now he is going to turn twenty two months old in two days. What a milestone! He will have been out in the world for longer than I tried to get pregnant with him after Friday. Part of me is still sad that it took so long for him to come into our lives, but the other part, the larger part, that remembers wabi-sabi and remembers that who we are is broken and mended, over and over again, in a great continuing cycle, knows that he is my amazing child and that his conception was perfect the way it was, imperfect and difficult.


Heidi said...

I'm so grateful for how easily we conceived. I just can't imagine the heartbreak. I need to go back through your journal before we met and read up on that struggle.

Lexie said...

I think there's something to be said for taking a couple of months to conceive, but yeah. It sucked hardcore.

Silerest lining ever? Remy!